On the Sidelines.....by Amna

Adulthood is a scary experience. Adolescence may leave lingering impressions as it gets subsumed by the turbulence of teenage hood. Even the teenage angst can cling to the hope of being resolved with the passage of time and maturity. But where does one turn too when the feelings of alienation and confusion solidify into bitter disappointment and permeate the thirties? Is that a comment on life's inequities or human frailty in the face of the same? Or does that simply mean such a person is doomed to be a disillusioned idealist whipped around by the harsh realities of life yet compelled to believe that right is right and wrong is wrong no matter what the compulsions of the situation?

I believe there is a saying that if you are not an idealist by the time you are 18 you are a fool. But if you are still an idealist by the age of 30 you are an even bigger fool. I guess this worldly cynicism is what growing up is supposed to mean. Another term of art that comes to mind is the term diplomacy which in many given situations is the politically correct version of the term cowardice.

Every time we keep silent when in fact we should be speaking or indulge where we should abstain we somehow justify it by saying that's what being an adult is. Let us not rock the boat. Who needs the hassle that erupts from standing up for one's belief. Do we not have enough of a challenge on our plate with the day to day struggles of life? Should we not only focus on ourselves and our interests exclusively. After all the competition in today's world is fierce. Can we afford to be diverted from the path of self interest by indulging in useless battles regarding principles and values? Life as it has unfolded for most of us, has shown time and again that worldly gain, fame and fortune has seldom been the reward of those who value service to others over themselves.

All those notions of egalitarianism, freedom of thought and inalienable right to dignity irrespective of caste color or creed, are good only so long as they are confined to classroom discussion. But please let us not even attempt to practice what we preach.

On the side lines ...that's where we should be. Taking a stand, now that's costly business only fools and desperados can afford.

However what the above world view fails to take into account is that for every 100 people who have failed to get ahead in life because of a principled stand, there are 1000 others who have succeeded only because they refused to back down from what is right or what is their due. In fact the common link between highly successful people, those whose fame and respect has outlived them, is that they have remained true to themselves and their believes.

Which prophet or world leader, renowned artist or scientist has made his or her mark on this world by being weak or compromising or selling out to secure their own gain at the cost of others? Of course there is suffering and alienation involved in attaining any greater good. Fingers are pointed, ridicule is hurled, deprivation looms large. Can there be heaven without hell? The rewards are great but so is the cost. Only the fortunate are the ones who stand firm and tall, clinging onto their faith and conviction, in the face of adversity .

No doubt refusing to take a stand in any given situation has the alluring aspect of safety. You may avoid a fight, some embarrassment, losing a job, husband or friends. But when all these things can only be retained by compromising on what is correct or moral or ethical then I wonder what it is we save by retaining the same.

Funny how our first impulse is always to secure short term benefit even if it comes at the cost of long term relief. There are countless examples that come to mind where the terror of suffering be it emotionally, physically or financially has ironically made people tighten the noose around their very own throats.

It is sad but marriage above all else, for most people is synonymous with the word compromise. It is this sensible sounding word that so many of us use to justify very insensible situations. There is that insecure wife who seeks meaning and value in her life by clinging on desperately to a man who has little or no value for her, her hopes and desires. The terror of being self sufficient whether financially or emotionally is so great that it consumes her self esteem like wild fire. Using children as a shield, so many people, specifically women, remain in loveless, thankless, corrupt marriages ravaging their soul and forsaking it all for a false sense of security. And the irony of it all is that they are actually standing at the very edge of a precipice in the mortal terror of being pushed over by the very thing they cling so desperately onto.

And what happens inevitably? One day when they are too old or too bitter to turn back, they realize that those inbred fears of loss were just that:. fears which should have been stared back at not shied away from. But by then the damage has been done, primarily to their self esteem and their chance of being rehabilitated, of seeking and finding happiness, not to mention their children for whom allegedly all this sacrifice was made in the first place.

Ironically enough it is the children who are the front line victims of unhappy marriages, stuck between the cross fire of their parents hatred, bitterness and apathy towards each other. And the tragedy of it all is that all too often, children of unhappy marriages are helpless before the compulsion to repeat and suffer the mistakes of their parents.

So the cycle continues...to what end? I wonder how beneficial compromising your inalienable right to dignity and respect at the alter of marriage really is at the end of the day?

Surely if an uneducated, oppressed, village woman like Mukhtaran Mai, subjected to the worst form of violence and degradation could battle her circumstances for the cause of justice and dignity, there is hope for all those who are too weak or too scared to lose their children or their financial security or even their standing in society. Indeed this hapless woman proved beyond a shadow of doubt that it is neither education nor financial and social security that one requires to stand up and stare the ghost in the eyes, but Faith. For is it not Faith that elevated Mai Mukhtaran from the depths of degradation to become a symbol of courage and dignity for not only women but human beings throughout the world? Indeed Faith, is the one and true antidote to fear.

It is this Faith which moves mountains, makes the unthinkable possible and rewards in ways one can't even envision but not without exacting its toll and surely not without putting its own true worth and value in your life to great test. The rewards and blessings our reserved for only those who are prepared to pay the cost.

Professional life poses much the same challenges to your value system as marriage may. At every turn you are faced with the dilemma of either doing the right thing and risking your bosses ire and even perhaps a promotion or the job itself or maintaining a diplomatic silence, even indulging in impropriety to maintain the status quo, your bosses approval or even a better job.

However such lack of professional ethics eventually gnaws away at your soul along with your future job prospects. To blindly offer allegiance to a boss that is weak and unprincipled leaves you at the peril of being left high and dry by a person who will not think twice of sacrificing your interest if it clashes with his own. That is the price on has to pay and the risk one runs for banking on people rather than principles, on contacts and PR rather than merit and diligence, for seeking instant gratification and a false sense of security rather than long term benefits and peace of mind .

How ironical to think that those foolish people who tackle the problem head on and take the pain upfront by refusing to compromise on their principles end up being masters of their own destiny rather than a slave to someone else's whims. Indeed I often wonder who has the last laugh?

There has never been a more heated debate regarding the independence of the judiciary as there is raging today when its very last vestige has been shamelessly and mercilessly robbed. But the point of reflection is not the current abysmal state of judicial and political affairs. Those are a mere eventuality. After all we have already been warned :you shall reap as you sow. We shall point no fingers at the faultless. But for the governmental machinery to blame the media for scandalizing a scandalous situation is like the pot calling the kettle black!

Independence of any kind, be it personal, political or even judicial is ultimately the fruit of steadfast struggle and deprivation for a cause that is more noble than merely one's own gratification and selfish ends. It is the ultimate victory of standing up for principles and ideals that elevate the human condition without getting blind sighted by the lure of worldly fame and fortune, social acceptability or momentary gain.


AMNA MUMTAZ.